Bad Boy at Burger King

Six year old Marty was a master at goading his folks into unwinnable control battles. While Mom and Dad are finishing their food and getting ready to finish some shopping before the mall closes, Marty is doing everything with his food except eating it. Mom is frustrated and tells Marty to hurry up and eat. Marty buzzes his burger with a fry. Now Dad jumps in with the threats. Mom tries the "open wide for the airplane" trick but Marty clamps his jaws shut like a bear trap. More threats from Mom and Dad. Soon, almost imperceptibly, the corners of Marty's mouth begin to tighten into a curt, self-satisfied smile. Dad sees it and loses it with more threats. Marty, no doubt, is thinking something like this: "Look at me. I'm only six years old and I've totally controlled these two adults fro twenty minutes without even opening my mouth. What a power trip. I control their tone of voice, the color of their faces, and whether or not they make fools of themselves in public. The last thing on my mind is worrying about their threats." A love-and-logic parent would say with a smile "No problem Marty. The car will be leaving in five minutes. There are two ways to leave with me: Hungry is one way; not hungry is the other." You can't control if the burger goes down the throat but you can control when the car leaves.....and if the child remains hungry. By offering Marty choices, the struggle is transferred inside Marty's head. Marty's too busy to argue - he's weighing his choices, "hungry... not hungry" - and Dad and Mom have five minutes of welcome tranquility. Many parents, however, after issuing alternatives, would be tempted to harp and nag while the child is making up his mind. "Don't forget, the car is leaving in three minutes" or "if you don't eat that food you're going to be hungry".  These sorts of reminders are putdowns. Cut the kid some slack. Marty's smart enough to remember the choices he's been given. Back them up Mom and Dad!

Winnable Wars

Cline/Fay say winnable war is waged through choices, not demands. Choices change the entire complexion of the control struggle. They allow us to give away the control we don't need and gain the control we do. With choices kids have no demands to react against, and the control we need is established. Choices work because they create situations in which children are forced to think. When they have to think, they can't fight. Second, choices provide opportunities for children to make mistakes and learn from the consequences. Third, choices work because they help us avoid getting into control battles. Finally, choices provide our children with opportunities to hear that we trust their thinking abilities, thus building their self confidence and the relationship between us and them.

Dealing with choices and being held responsible for their own decisions, prepare youngsters for the lifetime of decision making that awaits them in adulthood. Effective parents, however, should offer choices only when they are willing to ensure that their children will be forced to live with the consequences.

Losing Control

Cline/Fay say there are areas in which parents just can't win. If a little one does not want to talk for relatives, eat vegetables or sit on their potty chair, all the threats and cajoling in the world won't get them to budge. We influence our children only by modeling. We model by how much we like our food at the table, eat our vegetables etc. The secret to establishing control is to concentrate on fighting battles that we know we can win. That means selecting the issues very carefully. We must pick areas where we do have control over our kids. Then we must offer choices in those areas. We may not be able to make a little one eat when they're at the table - that's an unwinnable battle - but we can control whether she's at the table or not. We may not be able to control when they do their chores but we can make sure they do them before they eat their next meal. 3 rules for control battles:

1) Avoid a control battle at all costs
2) If you're going to get into one, win at all costs
3) Pick the issue carefully. Whenever we lose a control battle, it's because we have not chosen the issue carefully.

Control

If a parent calls a child to dinner and the child doesn't come, who is in control? Would it be easy to say "dinner's in 20 minutes and we'd love to have you join us. If not, you can join us at breakfast"? If that seems like a difficult thing to do it's likely due to our feeling a loss of control. The solution is putting kids in control on our terms, according to Cline/Fay. Kids with too much control become brats. Too little control puts them in a constant battle with parents. Psychologist Sylvia B. Rimm, Ph.D., says people of all ages compare the amount of control they have in a relationship only to the amount of control they used to have - not to the amount they feel they should have. When more control is allotted with time, people are satisfied; when control is cut back, people are angry. Thus, children who grow up with parents who dole out control in increasing amounts are usually satisfied with the level of control. Thus, toddlers make decisions about things like chocolate or white milk; ten year olds decide how to spend their allowances; and seventeen year olds make decisions on nearly every aspect of their lives. The obvious conclusion to this is if a parent disengages due to being tired, lazy etc. they allow kids to take control. When parents see this result they try to wrest back control and discover what fighting is all about. Worse, as noted in previous posts, if parents win the fight (individual battles) they lose the war. Kids never tire of trying to regain lost ground. In fact, none of us do.

The Threat Cycle

Cline/Fay say the temptation is great. Threats make us feel like we're in control and they sometimes work. However, threats don't work on all kids and don't always work on every kid. When kids are commanded to do something they don't want to do they will fight back - usually with actions, not words. They might do the dishes but accidentally break one or two. They may go to bed but at a snails pace or find all kinds of issues once they get there. (need a drink, too hot/cold etc). We'd rather they think than fight. Fighting words invite disobedience. It has been clinically proven that kids who are thinking cannot fight us at the same time. Therefore, instead of saying "you get to work on that lawn right now" or "you're not going to talk to me that way" or "I'm not letting you out of this house until you clean the living room"; say, "Feel free to join us for your next meal as soon as the lawn is mowed" or "I'll be glad to read you a story as soon as you've finished your bath" or "You may eat what is served, or you may wait and see if the next meal appeals to you more."Then, let our yes be yes and our no be yes too. Use no as seldom as possible but when we do it must mean just that - no exceptions. All of the other times we are tempted to use no, we can avoid a fight by forcing our kids to do the thinking, by replacing no with a yes to something else. In this way, we use thinking words instead of fighting words, and we establish the behavior we want. For example "yes, you may go out to play as soon as you practice your lessons" or "yes, you may watch TV as soon as your chores are done". Now, what if they say they don't like either of those choices? We would lovingly say "well, honey, that's the way the world works for me. First, I get my job done, then I get paid, then I eat. If it's good enough for me, who do you think I think it's also good enough for?" The child will always answer, a little dejectedly but insightfully, "me". And we always respond with, "good thinking". Once the limit is established, be assured kids will push the boundaries to see if you really mean it. If you give in, you've lost. In other words, if they miss a meal, so be it. No snacks later.

How to talk and still set limits

Cline/Fay say kids seem most secure around parents who are strong, who don't allow the limits they place on their kids to crumble. Children lose respect for adults who cannot set limits and make them stick. Kids who misbehave without having to face the consequences become brats. For many parents setting limits means issuing commands, and backing up those limits with more commands spiced with sternness and anger. They may get results, but they're setting their kids up for a fight against them.

The difference for love and logic parents is they are always asking questions and offering choices. Consider the following fighting words vs thinking words:

Don't you talk to me in that tone of voice. OR You sound upset. I'll be glad to listen when your voice is as soft as mine is.

You get to work on your studying. OR Feel free to join us for some television when your studying is done.

Be nice to each other. Quit fighting. OR You guys are welcome to come back as soon as you work that out.

I want that lawn cut, now! OR I'll be taking you to your soccer game as soon as the lawn is cut.

Love and Logic is not a license for misbehavior

Cline/Fay say the trick is to never actually tell kids what they have just learned. Further, telling them what to think is counter productive. We can give them guidance but they must learn to think for themselves. The best time to start is when they're toddlers. Once they leave our care we want them to be so good at thinking that they can face bigger problems and the daily hassles of life with competence and good sense. The key involves setting limits and boundaries involving 1) modeling good adult behavior by caring for ourselves and 2) life or death issues. In both of these instances the child's problem becomes our problem. Consider the following example with "Thoughtful" and "Thug":

These two toddlers want to be picked up. They raise their hands and scream demandingly at their parents. Thug's parents pick him up. In essence, they say "Be obnoxious with me and you'll get your way". However, when Thoughtful raises her hands and screams, her father politely says, without anger or sarcasm, "Thoughtful, why don't you lie down on the floor? I can't pick you up when you act like that." Thoughtful begins to learn to say "Daddy, will you pick me up please?"

The boundaries we set for our children are in reality the boundaries we set for ourselves. The more squishy and indecisive we are about our own boundaries, the more soggy and inconsistent we are about the limits we set for our kids.

Problem, Problem, Who Owns the Problem?

Ever notice how quickly and easily our kids problems can become ours? They don't do their homework and we have to go into crisis intervention. They're late for school so we're late for work. Cline/Fay say if it's a problem for us, it should be a problem for them. Unfortunately, separating the kids' problems from our problems is not always as cut and dried as we would like. When we step into our kids' problems, we cater more to our own emotions than to the kids' needs. Most kids want us to understand their feelings, not sooth our own emotional turmoil by offering them solutions. Our intervention demonstrates a selfish love. We don't want to be embarrassed and have others think we're bad parents or the parents of the biggest jerk in school. We must rise up to a higher love - a love that shows itself in allowing our kids to learn on their own. Cline/Fay offer the following scenario - your kid punches a neighbor kid and the neighbor kid goes home crying but unhurt, physically. Do you react with embarrassment? What will the neighbors think/do? Do you react angrily or with authoritarian orders? Do you throw up your hands in helplessness? Any of these responses means you've taken ownership of the problem. Confronting your child to inquire how they think their actions affected the neighbor(s) and suggesting there are better ways of solving problems without hitting is certainly appropriate. Such comments put the burden of resolving the problem as well as the future response on your child's shoulders. The best solution to any problem lies within the skin of the person who owns the problem.

When to step in & when to step out

Cline/Fay say there are two occasions when we should make our children's problems our problems: 1) we step in when our children are in definite danger of losing life or limb, or of making a decision that could affect them for a lifetime; and 2) we step in when the children know that we know that they know that they cannot cope with their problem, and the consequences are very significant......for as soon as a parent steps in, the child gets the "you can't cope" message. Sometimes, though, we don't care if the child gets that message because everyone already knows it. Remember: Everything we fix for our kids, our kids will be unable to fix for themselves. If Anna has trouble on the school bus and we haul on down to the stop one morning to talk to the driver and the other kids, Anna is robbed of any chance of handling that problem by herself, and will believe that she can't. If there's more than a ten percent chance that our child might be able to work it out, we should keep clear of the problem.

Responsible or Irresponsible Kids?

Jim Fay shares an observance of his three decades in education. He says the most responsible kids were the ones in an inner-city school who lived in federally funded housing projects. They got up in the morning without assistance and got to school in time for breakfast without assistance. They knew if they got there, they got breakfast; if they didn't, they missed it. They never missed a bus when it was going someplace they wanted to go. The most irresponsible kids were upper-middle-class kids in a suburban school district. The first day of school a thousand kids arrived in eighteen different buses. Half of these kids ran straight to the playground for some pre-bell frolic. The other half raced directly to the principal's office to phone their folks for forgotten school materials, coats and lunches. Fay says that responsible behavior has a direct correlation to the number of decisions children are forced to make. The more they make, the more responsible they become.

How can you engineer your kids daily activities toward making responsible decisions?

Decisions Decisions

A quote from Love and Logic Tip from Cline/Fay: "When little kids rebel, parents can quash the rebellion with a stern order and get good short-term results. But when kids hit adolescence and rebel, parental orders become unenforceable. Allowing children at a young age to practice decision making on simple issues teaches them to think, to control their own lives. When adolescence hits, they will be less susceptible to peer pressure on booze, drugs, sex, and other temptations. They will have learned that they can make their own wise decisions. Those kids can become their parents' very best friends during the tough teenage years. They can also become their own best friend."

Of course, you'll need to put up with a child who, from time to time, will be cold, hot, thirsty, hungry, angry, messy and otherwise ill suited to go out in public. Can you handle that?

When and What to Celebrate?

I read Mac Engle's column in Saturday's (June 4) Star-Telegram with great interest and through the lens of this parenting study. He said, "In order to achieve certain goals, there are some things that need to be done that do not come with ribbons, plaques or a trophy." He goes on later in the article to say, "The Miami Heat, however, is the perfect team for my generation, and younger. We want credit for graduating from kindergarten, the first grade, second grade, third grade, for tying our shoelaces, for screwing in a light bulb or emptying the dishwasher. This over-celebrating minimizes genuine accomplishment, and entitles us to a snack after turning off our PlayStation 3." What's the difference between the point Engle is making and the point Cline/Fay make re: the three legged stool to raise our kids? Is there a mistake for which to be on the lookout? What can you do to avoid the mistake? If you've already made it, is there a correction available?

Leg Three - I am capable of taking control of my liffe

Cline/Fay say "Children with a strong third leg on the three-legged table listen to a little voice in their head that says, 'I am capable of taking control of my life. I can make decisions, and I am strong enough to live with the good and the bad consequences of my decisions.' Children who say this have been allowed to make decisions about the things that affect them directly. Many parents tell their children they expect them to be responsible for themselves, yet these same parents are forever informing their kids when they are hot, cold, hungry, thirsty, tired, or even when they need to go to the bathroom. Examples:

Put on your coat. It's too cold to go out without one.
You can't be hungry. We just ate an hour ago.
Sit down and be quiet. You don't need another drink.
You get to sleep right this minute.
Be sure to use the bathroom before we leave.

Each of these messages tells children they are not capable of thinking for themselves, that they cannot take control of their life and make decisions." The result is kids who are not responsible, do not think for themselves, make poor choices and become dependent.

What are you doing, as parents, that contribute to this? What are some ways out?

Leg Two - I have the skills I need to make it

According to Cline/Fay - to build children's self-concept parents must send messages that tell the children they have the skills people their age need to be successful. Each child must feel they can compete. Mom and Dad can't make it for them. These skills are learned through modeling. Parents must realize that children are always watching them and taking cues on how to act and react.

Timmy sees his dad sweeping the garage. He grabs a little broom and starts moving dirt around, imitating his father. Inside, Timmy is thinking, "I feel big. I am learning how to use a broom. I hope Dad notices." Dad notices all right. He notices all the missed spots. "Timmy," he says, his voice dripping with disapproval, "look at the mess you're making! Please go play and let me finish this." Done once in awhile, Timmy's self concept will likely turn out ok. But habitual discouragement will lead to a poor self concept. He'll stop trying to imitate responsible "adult" behavior.

Parents who routinely focus on the end result rather than on the learning taking place wind up with kids who have a negative self-concept about their skills. Then, parents wonder why kids don't help out around the house. The process of getting to the end result comes from practice, encouragement and modeling. Starting at a young age, parents can teach a great combination of: getting the job done, fun and me. Never pass judgment on the work of children when they are trying to learn. Try saying things like: "I can see that you are working hard to learn to do long division. Let me know if you would like some help." "I see that you are learning to make the bed just like Mommy. Would you like me to show you how I (not you) get the wrinkles out?" Whenever possible we slip a little fun in the task.  As children grow, parents should remove themselves from the triad leaving the job and fun.

Leg One - I am loved by the magic people in my life

Cline/Fay say, "The best kind of love is the love that comes with no strings attached.....genuine love must be shown regardless of the kids' accomplishments. That does not mean, however, that we approve of all their actions. Some parents withhold love as a way of making children behave better or to break bad habits. Others, in their zeal to help youngsters improve schoolwork, for example, exert so much "love' getting them to do their homework that the children receive covert messages that real love will have to wait until they improve. In reality, the interaction between parents and children - the expression of love - is far more important than the kids' successes or failures. Here's a paradox: Kids can't get better until we prove to them, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that they're good enough the way they are. Strong, effective parents say in both their overt and covert messages, 'there's a lot of love here for you regardless of the way you act or do your work at school or anyplace else'. When this love is combined with touching, a smile, and eye contact, a super-glue bond is created between parent and child. Kids remember these messages for a lifetime when they come from "magical people" in their lives - close family members and special teachers. They subconsciously - even consciously - set out to prove that their magical people are correct.

Implied Messages - A three legged stool

Cline/Fay say that building a child's positive self concept is often eroded, likely unintentionally, by parents. They say that building a child's self concept is like a three legged stool. It takes all three legs to stand firmly. If one is weakened the whole stool is unstable. If one is missing, goodbye table. The stool is built through the implied messages parents give. They say that unfortunately, many of the really powerful messages we send to our children have negative covert meanings. Parents may mean well, but the words used and the way they're used are received by children as something totally different from what we meant to say. For example, a simple question like, "What are you doing that for?"packs a double meaning. The overt message is simple enough but what a child may hear is "you're not very competent." When parents say "if I've told you once I've told you a thousand times" the implication is "you're pretty dumb, and your neurons work sluggishly." Such implied messages are putdowns, the kind of messages that make people mad. Even coated with a sugary, soothing voice - "now honey, you're not going without your coat today, are you?" - implies "you're not smart enough to know whether or not your own body is hot or cold." Commands like shut up, stop arguing, turn off the tv etc., implies "I'm bigger than you are",  "I'm more powerful than you are", "I have more authority and can make you do things". Stated this way, a child's self concept is slashed. Conversely, when parenting with love and logic, a powerful combination is emphasized: letting kids fail in non-threatening situations while emphasizing their strengths. The idea is to correct the behavior without insulting their character. Here's a tip: offer acceptable choices and then, "honey, I'll let you decide that for yourself". Overt message - you can decide. Covert message - you are capable. In the following posts we'll examine each of the 3 legs of the stool.

I am what I think you think I am

Let's look at self esteem vs a positive self concept in addressing the last post. Scripture teaches against self esteem. Matthew 16:24 Jesus says "If anyone desires to come after Me let him deny himself, and take up his cross, and follow Me." Jesus knew that people were already way too full of themselves and, in that condition, were unable to find room for Him. God is a jealous God. He expects first place in our lives. Further, not only Him but others, as well. Paul wrote in Phil 2:3 "Let nothing be done through selfish ambition or conceit, but in lowliness of mind let each esteem others better than ourselves."Josh Hamilton of the Texas Rangers (as well as some other famous people) have given media attention to the "I am second" campaign designed to get people to put God first in their lives. Unfortunately, putting oneself second is not biblical. We are to be third following God and others. A positive self concept is completely different and comes from confidence. Someone has said that confidence is remembered success. Therefore, the answer to the other question in the last post is - Cline/Fay say where parents err is they focus on kid's weaknesses. The result is a constant eroding of a child's self concept. But parents who build on their kid's strength's find their children growing in responsibility almost daily. What are the indicators that we, as parents, are making this mistake? To answer - what, if anything, is wrong with the following:
What are you doing that for?
If I've told you once, I've told you a thousand times.....
Now, honey, you're not going without your coat today, are you?
Shut up!
Stop arguing!
Turn off the TV!

Children's self-concept

Proverbs 20:11 says "Even a child is known by his deeds, Whether what he does is pure and right". Cline/Fay say that kids with a positive self-concept are more responsible and therefore do those things that are pure and right. "Unfortunately, many parents don't give their children a chance to build a positive self-concept....". What do you think the reason Cline/Fay give for this?
A) Parents are disappointed in their children
B) Parents have unrealistic expectations for their children
C) Parents focus on their children's weaknesses
D) Parents are self absorbed in their own issues

Also, what's the distinction (or is there one) between a positive self-concept and self-esteem? Is one good and the other bad; both good; both bad?

Marriage wrap up

When there is no option for dissolution, there is an incremental intensity toward resolution. No dissolution requires a) a commitment to be together and b) a commitment to develop and implement a working relationship. Resolution involves a) practicing the disciplines of Llove (which includes forgiveness, forgetfulness and forbearance) and b) development of oneness (God's design).

How wonderful it is that God gave us the ability to "link up" with someone who would complete us as a human being; and in the finality of finding that someone, it would always be the right one. No matter what our history, no matter how many our failures or how great our disappointments, God, who is always in the forgiveness business, takes us from where we are to where we need and want to be. The causative action on our part is obedience to the design.

One of the more important spiritual markers in the life of married believers is a marriage that works. No matter how faithful we may be to prayer and Bible study, no matter how dedicated we may be to working within the confines of the Body of Christ, if our marriages are not strong, resembling the unity between Christ and His Church, we have missed God's greatest blessing for our lives and our homes.

Be careful to learn the ways of God. Build His Truth and Llove into your life. As you do so, your relationships will reflect His overcoming victory. Your marriage from this point forward, will be better because you choose to implement Godly principles. Your marriage will successfully reach the perfection intended by the Creator because you are the object of His llove and you have chosen to follow His design. Blessings!

Positive vs Negative Attributes

Anger, Fear, and Insecurity are the three attributes that contribute most to the failure of marriage as the Father designed it. Understanding how to eliminate or channel these emotions is key for success.

Forgiveness, Forgetfulness, and Forbearance are the three attributes that contribute most to the success of marriage (they are a part of the discipline of Llove). Adding these ingredients in the exact proportion required and at the right time are keys for success.

Answer the following in narrative form:

1) What makes you angry?
2) Of what are you most afraid?
3) What makes you feel secure?
4) Who, specifically, has hurt you most in your life? How?
5) Will your marriage last, no matter what?
6) Do you have sufficient financial resources to survive a long job loss? Do you have/will have sufficient financial resources to survive your retirement?
7) Who does your spouse llove most? Why?
8) If you have children, do they llove and respect you? Do they have disciplined life styles?
9) What does it mean to forgive?
10) Do you remember everything because your mind is a steel trap?
11) Do you keep a record of wrongs? Where/how?
12) Has your spouse ever betrayed you (in any manner)?
13) Has your spouse ever taken things from you that were important to you?
14) Has your spouse ever hurt you by his/her relationship with another person?
15) Do you see your marriage as "unbreakable"?

A key thought:
The old saying is "Accentuate the positives and eliminate the negatives". Nothing could be more apropos for the couple building a marriage following the design of God. Look for the good qualities in all things, avoid that which is negative and/or harsh. You'll discover and amazing difference in those around you.

Reflections (couple time):
1) Are you angry?
2) When is the last time you recall forgiving your spouse?
3) What is your spouse's best attribute?
4) Do you remember what you last forgave? Why?

Sexual Compatibility

God's design for the marriage relationship expects that it will begin with a total lack of experience with sexuality beyond academic acumen. Since that is seldom the case, it is necessary not only to learn an effective sexual relationship but also to unlearn any prior sexual experience. The action, often referred to as carrying "sexual baggage" into the relationship, is always damaging.

Building an excellent, effective sexual relationship requires communication. It would be wise to repeat your study of the second item under Communication discussed in a previous post. Speaking clearly and accurately is the primary means by which one can determine what a spouse thinks, wants and needs.

Although extreme sensitivity to responses and actions is fundamental and useful, it is, at best, subjective, and therefore to some degree, uncertain. Sex involves the whole person. Physical attractiveness, emotional maturity and mental stability are crucial to great sex.

Sexual function is personal and private. The actions and activities that you, as a couple, choose or avoid are yours alone and are neither subject to the scrutiny of nor suitability for any other individual(s). What is acceptable to both and is not forbidden in Scripture is certainly within the scope of the relationship.

Sex is good! Sex is pure! Sex is holy! The originator of sex is God. It is therefore perfect and holy. Only the actions of those outside of God's design have created the perceptions that sex is "dirty" or "unholy" or "tawdry".

Answer the following in narrative form:
1) Is your "sex life" all you want it to be? Why/Why not?
2) Do you have sexual baggage you have brought into the marriage?
3) How often do you participate in "sex"? How often do you "talk" about sex with each other?
4) How much of your "sexual encounter" takes place in the kitchen?
5) Do you have "dirty" sex?

A key thought: Good sex may or may not be vital to a marriage (some couples have no sex at all; however, bad sex is always destructive. Whatever you think you know, learn more.

Reflections:
1) Are you a "lights off" or "lights on" person when sex is in progress?
2) What is your spouse's favorite "turn on"?
3) What is your spouse's worst "turn off"?
4) If you could "make love" with anybody, who would you choose?

Finances

The second discussion topic to utilize DDS (Discussion Designed for Solution) is Finances. Financial resources create instability in a marriage when they are handled ineffectively and inconsistently. Having sufficient financial resources is often difficult in the modern marriage. For those blessed with abundant or more than enough money the issue takes on a different perspective. We will approach it only from the "short" side.

#1 - It is always "our" money. The worst possible financial scenario in a marriage is when there is a division between "my" money and "your" money. All resources from a financial perspective must flow in and out of a single operation. Who manages those funds is irrelevant as long as there is agreement about the process.

#2 - It is almost always smart to maintain a written budget. It is not by accident that corporations, large and small, businesses, schools, churches and wise families maintain a budget. Once we know how, when and where money comes into the relationship, and where when, and how money leaves the relationship, we can get a handle on its flow.

#3 - Failing to properly manage financial resources leads to financial disaster and marital discord. Learning to live according to our financial ability creates monetary liquidity and builds harmony in a relationship. Focusing on what others (parents, friends, business partners, etc.) do regarding their assets is always a poor substitute for quality planning and execution.

Answer the following in narrative form:
1) Who handles the financial operation in your home and why?
2) Would more income make a difference in the "attitude" you have about your financial well-being?
3) Have you ever had a personal budget?
4) Have you ever tried budgeting your family income? Why/why not?
5) Do you compare your income and lifestyle to others? (Family, friends, co-workers etc)
6) How much money do you save (long term)? Is it enough?
7) How much money do you have invested for the future? Is it enough?

Key thought - Someone said, "Money is not the most important thing in the world, but it is way ahead of whatever is second." Money problems top the list of concerns for people involved in marriage counseling. Making wise decisions with maximum input is mandatory for success.

Reflections (couple time):
1) Do you acquire money from family members/friends/personal loans?
2) How much money do you really need (per year) to live in the style you desire?
3) What is your personal net worth? (as a couple)

Communication

The first discussion topic in applying the DDS system is communication. It's often listed as the major difficulty in the marriage relationship. Part of the problem lies in the idea that communication is almost exclusively what we say. However, in reality it is more what we hear or perceive we hear. It may be that the more important component of communication is listening.

We must listen effectively. For example: Listen to what is said. Don't assign your meaning to it. If the meaning is not clear, ask for a clarification. Never assume what is said means something that it does not.

We must speak clearly. Practice saying what you mean and meaning what you say. Stick to the issue at hand and do not trivialize it. Don't make a "mountain out of a molehill". If you are looking for a specific response, say so. If you do not want a response, say so.

Always speak the truth. Do not embellish the issue with insights, assumptions, suppositions or non-truths. For example: Do not use phrases like:
"Since I've been through this before, I know....." (insight)
"So I assume you meant....." (assumption)
"Now I suppose you are going to...." (suppositions)
"There's no way you could care about....." (untruth)

Communication IS a two way street. It is vital that conversation travel in both directions without damage from collision of words which result from failure to think clearly before speaking. Communication is usually more effective if we make an attempt to see/hear the conversation from another's perspective as well as our own.

Answer the following in narrative form:
1) Define communication
2) Who is the best communicator, you or your spouse? Why?
3) Where does your communication break down? eg: when we get angry or loud
4) What part of the communication attempt makes you most angry?
5) Do you argue? Do you win? Are you happy when you win?

Key thought: Communication, or lack thereof, affects every part of our relationship. Whether our failure may be in communicating what to get at the grocery store or in how we are satisfied sexually, an inability to resolve the breakdown will negate every other positive.

Couple time: Reflect on these important issues - when is the best time to talk to each other? What topic creates the most "failure to communicate"? Have you ever written down or recorded your conversation and analyzed it? Through whose perspective do you look at situations? Could you communicate better if you use the DDS process?

DDS - Discussion Designed for Solution

Often the quickest and most effective method for discovering solutions is to involve those who care about an issue in a designed discussion.

A designed discussion is one that has: 1) a purpose (discovering a solution/solutions 2) a set of rules (see below) and 3) a time limit. The time limit may not allow for reaching a solution or all the possible solutions; however, it does serve to end the discussion at an appropriate time. Discussion can usually be re-started at the will and convenience of the participants.

Rules for DDS
1) Establish a time limit for ending the discussion
2) Limit the participants to those who are likely to be part of the solution
3) Order the initial comments
4) Discuss/consider only items germane to the issue at hand
5) Listen effectively and take notes if appropriate
6) Think creatively
7) NEVER attack an individual personally!
8) NEVER interrupt another's discussion
9) NEVER dominate the discussion
10) Write the solution or possible solutions discovered

The last post (True or False) listed a number of questions to which I would answer "true" to each. They may or may not apply to your circumstance but to the extent they do the question becomes "what do we do about it?" Over the course of the next few postings we're going to utilize these rules for DDS to look into Communication; Finances; Sexual Compatibility; Positive and Negative Attributes. Hopefully, you'll find the answer to "what do we do about it" contained therein. If not, feel free to comment/question. Even if you think none of those true/false questions apply to your situation - LOOK OUT! I can tell you from experience that there have been a couple of times when I was approached with those dreaded (to me) words "we need to talk". I must confess I was dumbfounded simply because I thought everything was ok and was absolutely blind to the effect our circumstances were having on my spouse. Fortunately for me (and us) my spouse somehow instinctively knew these rules and we pretty much utilized each of them except I don't recall writing down our solution (number 10). Perhaps it would be worthwhile to consider approaching your mate to do a "marriage check" just in the case there is something that requires airing but your mate just hasn't worked up the courage to address for fear of creating a problem. If there is an issue then it's likely a problem already exists and it will never go away on it's own. It just gets worse.

True or False

Consider what your vote is on the following and why. Feel free to comment/question any or all.

1) Problems are a given in marriage
2) Stress has the capability to strengthen or destroy
3) I am not searching for some issue-less utopia; rather, a workable format for resolving or handling the complexities of my marriage relationship
4) If I am unable to talk with and understand my partner, it is unlikely that we will survive the fallout
5) Financial issues dominate our day-to-day lives. If we don't properly handle these they are likely to destroy our marriage
6) Sex has little to do with physicality and almost everything to do with mentality and perception
7) Anger, fear and insecurity, although justifiable at times can do more damage to my marriage than almost anything else if used inappropriately.
8) Forgiveness, forgetfulness, forbearance - all Godly traits - when missing from a marriage relationship, leave holds that weaken and ultimately allow the relationship to collapse
9) It is impossible to be rightly related to others without being rightly related to God
10) It is impossible to be rightly related to God without being rightly related to others.

Responsibility Cannot Be Taught

Parents are forever moaning about their children's inability to absorb parental words of wisdom. They always seem to do the exact opposite of what we tell them. Cline/Fay say that one thing for sure we can't tell kids is "be responsible". It doesn't work. The fact is, responsibility cannot be taught; it must be caught. Although it's hard to figure out at times, the hardest things in the world to learn are the things we are told we must do. To help a child gain responsibility we must offer that child opportunities to be responsible. Cline/Fay encourage parents to find ways to let children encounter SLO's for their irresponsibility rather than focus on their responsibilities. The key is to look for when kids are ready to learn the next level of life's lessons. Don't waste time reminding them or worrying for them. The attitude to adopt is "I'm sure you'll remember on your own but if you don't you'll surely learn something from the experience". Parents who do this help children understand they CAN solve their own problems. They're sympathetic but they don't solve their kids problems for them. Children who grow in responsibility also grow in self-confidence and thus are better able to make it in the world once parental ties are cut. I would also add it is necessary to bathe them daily in prayer and for yourselves also so that God's Spirit can guide parents to recognize these SLO's and the "next level of life's lessons.

Kaboomers vs Are You Hurts

Cline/Fay say many parents confuse love, protection and caring. Some may refuse to allow their children to fail because they see such a response as uncaring. Thus, they overcompensate with worry and hyper-concern. Protection is not synonymous with caring but both are a part of love. God allows us to put ourselves in jeopardy yet still cares about and loves us without being overly protective. At birth, of course, responsible parents must respond to their infant with total protectiveness. However, as children grow - beginning at about 9 months with very simple choices - the parents must make a gentle, gradual transition to allowing their children the privilege of solving their own problems. By the time children are eleven or twelve, they should be able to make most decisions without parental input. Parental love and attitude determine how almost all children will handle almost all problems through early adolescence. A group of children on an ice rink or playground will inevitably have children who fall. The parents are usually divided into those who say "kaboom" and those who say "are you hurt". The "hurts" kids will say "yeah, come to think of it, I am hurt". The "kaboom" kids will pick themselves up, dust themselves off and go on playing. The "hurts" learn that a fall is painful. The "kabooms" learn from their mistakes and focus on the original objective. The problem is rescuing parents often rescue out of their own needs. They like to heal hurts. They need to be needed. When kids reach high school and love has been shown largely by protection they may be irreparably damaged. At the very least, these kids won't be much fun for their future spouse. Love kids enough to allow them to fail. Stand back and allow SLO's build your kids.

In Defense of Being a Kid

Taking a momentary rabbit trail away from Cline/Fay I'm intrigued, as many are, by the "tiger Mom" phenomenon. Amy Chua is clearly hitting a nerve. Larry Summers (former President of Harvard and the Obama administration) debated Ms Chua at the World Economic Forum in Davos and asserted that part of the point of childhood is childhood itself. Childhood takes up a quarter of one's life, Summers observed, and thinks it would be nice if children got to enjoy it. James Bernard Murphy, professor of government at Dartmouth College, is cheering Summers' insight. He says, "Children are not merely adults in training. They are also people with distinctive powers and joys. A happy childhood is measured not only by the standards of adult success, but also by the enjoyment of the gifts given to children alone. He then states 4 unique blessings of childhood. 1) gift of moral innocence. Young children are liberated from the knowledge of the full extent of human evil - a knowledge that casts a pall over adult life. This innocence permits children to trust others fully and teaches us what the world ought to be. 2) gift of openness to the future. Adults are hamstrung by our own plans and expectations but children are free to welcome the most improbable new adventures. 3) children are liberated from the grim economy of time. Losing all sense of time means time is not scarce and thus cannot be wasted. 4) parents are focused on adult superiority and therefore forget that most of us produced our best art, asked our deepest philosophical questions, and most readily mastered new gadgets when we were children. Tragically, there is a real conflict within childhood between preparation for adulthood and the enjoyment of the gifts of youth. Preparation for adulthood requires the adoption of adult prudence, discipline and planning that undermine the spontaneous adventure of childhood. Parents are deeply conflicted about how to balance these two basic demands: raising good little ladies and gentlemen, while also permitting children to escape into the irresponsible joys of Neverland." He goes on to note the divergence of opinion from Aristotle, who thought the best thing about childhood was leaving it behind to Jesus, who said "unless you become like a little child you cannot enter the kingdom of God." Should our kids have a Tom Sawyer like adventure or be in training to take over the world? Murphy says most parents are stuck trying to balance the paradoxical demands of both preparing our children for adulthood and protecting them from it. He thinks many parents today would benefit hugely by taking a reflective time out from teaching our children to discover how much we might learn from them. Here's my take. I thought he had some pretty insightful comments but I'm wrestling with the last one. It could be argued that one can take a mental time out to reflect but parents need to realize that they're always teaching their children because children are always watching and thus, learning. I feel extremely blessed because I was one of six children.... and in the middle no less. It was easy to "disappear" for periods of time and live in a Tom Sawyer like adventure of my own creation. Inevitably, it came to an end as I was called in to supper, get ready for bed, school, church etc. In those moments of family time I was painfully aware of and empathetic to real world problems my parents faced.... especially financial. Yet, no matter how poor we were and what we lived without I watched my parents tithe. I didn't know this was a big deal until I took a neighbor friend to church one Sunday whose parents were much better off financially. His folks gave him a dollar to put in the offering and he was stunned at how much my folks gave. He was also surprised that my folks gave each of us money for Sunday School offering while not receiving any allowance even though we all had mandated household chores. Later on, I got my first paying job delivering newspapers and my Dad sat me down at the kitchen table the first Saturday I came home from collecting for that week's papers. I received my first instruction on tithing and, more importantly, trusting God as Dad divided my earnings into what I owed the Star Gazette, what I owed to God and what I could keep. I was taught that it was all God's anyway and I was just giving Him back a portion of that which I had received. It was an easy lesson to understand and accept because of my parents teaching by example. I never worried about my parents financial issues or any other issues because I fully trusted that they trusted God and that would make everything all right. Maybe that's what Jesus meant when He said, "you must become like a little child."

You can pay me now or pay me later

Some of us remember that old car oil filter commercial where the object lesson was pay for regular oil changes (with their filter of course) or pay for expensive engine repairs later. Cline and Fay use this strategy in allowing kids to learn lesser expense lessons early in life as opposed to very expensive lessons later in life. Love and Logic tip #2 says the oder a child gets, the bigger the decisions become, and the graver the consequences of those decisions. These early mistakes allowed by wise parents are usually at affordable prices that involve temporary pain and a few tears. Mouthing off to an older, bigger kid may result in a black eye on the playground but a parent who protects their child from the consequences of their behavior may face a bigger problem when a teen mouths off to a police officer. They illustrate a friend who  they observed handing out money to their kids. An inquiry revealed the parent was making loans with due dates, promissory notes and collateral. The parent revealed a recently repossessed $29 tape recorder. They observed that a neighbor kid at 26 years old learned the same lesson when the bank repossessed his Camaro. Their kid has a 16 year head start on the neighbor kid. Is allowing a black eye love?

Parenting Tactic - Free will

Cline and Fay note that God gave all humans - His supreme creation - considerable freedom....including the opportunity to goof up. Failure and success are two sides of the same coin. If there had been no forbidden tree in the Garden of Eden, humanity would have had no opportunity to make responsible or irresponsible choices. When Adam and Eve made the wrong choice, God allowed them to suffer the consequences. Although He did not approve of their disobedience, He loved them enough to let them make a decision and to live with the results. God's love in the garden sets the example for all parents to follow: He allowed Adam and Eve the freedom to make the choice. In a similar way, if we give children freedom and loving acceptance, they will make choices and do things of which we will not approve. Jim Fay says he used to insist that his son Charlie dress for the weather on chilly mornings. Charlie, he'd say, it's cold out this morning. You'd better wear your heavy coat. Sure enough, he'd grab his little slicker - the lightest coat he owned - and waltz out the door. Unwittingly, Fay was taking away Charlie's best choice. Fay thought he was ensuring Charlie would be warm waiting for the bus but Charlie chose to be cold instead. He was exerting his free will. But Fay wised up by saying instead; Charlie, it's twenty degrees out. You might want  to wear a coat. This offered him a range of choices from worst to best. Kids always seem to discount the first option we give them. Charlie ultimately decided to exert his free will with a warm coat. The paradox is that parents who try to ensure their kids successes often raise unsuccessful kids. But the loving and concerned parents who allow for failure wind up with kids who tend to choose success. These are the parents who take thoughtful risks. Thoughts? Agree? Disagree? If you agree what are some small, thoughtful risks you can take this week in allowing your kids to exercise their free will and train them in making good choices?

Back to Parenting

We've been off the topic for a time while focusing on marriage. In the last parenting post we discussed being a helicopter parent vs a drill sergeant parent and asked which was the best or is their an alternative.  Cline/Fay have an interesting insight they call "Love and Logic Tip #1". It talks about our gut instinct that invariably has been influenced by how we were parented. Were your parents helicopters or drill sergeants? Let's see what they have to say:

The techniques of parenting with love and logic may rub some parents the wrong way. Allowing kids to fail with love, letting the SLO's (significant learning opportunities) do the teaching, treating themselves right as a way of modeling healthy adult behavior - these principles can go against the parental grain. Most of us raise our children based on our gut reactions. But how do we know whether such responses are trustworthy or just the result of bad lasagna? Actually, adult "gut reactions" are the result of childhood responses to family emotions and interactions. Therefore, "gut feel" is more valid if we had a happy childhood and presently have peaceful and rewarding relationships at home and elsewhere. Sure we all will "nerd out" more often with children if our own childhood and/or present home life are in turmoil, but generally our actions with our kids will be fine. If, on the other hand, we react to our childhood by saying, "I sure want to do things differently with my kid than my mom and dad did with me," then our gut reactions will probably be untrustworthy and faulty. Those instinctive reactions come from our parents - and we hated the way they parented us! ....... thoughts?

Characteristics of Godly Husbands

Head/ruler of the family (Gen 3:16; Eph 5:23); blameless (1 Tim 3:2); spiritually mature (James 1:4); reputable (Phil 2:15); hospitable (Rom 12:13; 1 Pet 1:9); well organized (1 Cor 14:40); benevolent (1 Cor 7:3); self-disciplined/temperate (Gal 5:22); sexually pure (1 Tim 3:2; Luke 16:18); sexually vulnerable (1 Cor 7:4-5); not a drinker, fighter, quarreler (1 Tim 3:3); forgiver (Mark 11: 25-26); disciplinarian (Prov 22:6; Eph 6:4). A husband's job is to imitate Christ. Christ's llove for the church is unreserved, not founded on reciprocal behavior, initiated by choice, continued in promises and effort, irrevocable and unfailing. Therefore, a husband's llove for his wife must imitate Christ's llove for the church. Failure of llove is not possible. It is inoperative when one or the other fails to practice the disciplines of llove. One of the most dynamic, exciting, and energizing commands in Scripture is predicated on the reality that we can operate as Christ operates. As one comes to understand either the right relationship with one's wife or Christ's right relationship with His Church, the other relationship becomes clear. So, husbands, are you confident you are fulfilling your responsibility as a child of God? Would your wife describe your relationship with Christ as adequate or lacking? Are you willing to operate your marriage relationship in llove?

Husbands and Wives - Reflections

Proverbs 31 teaches the following characteristics of a Godly wife: excellent (embodying the attributes assigned by God), trustworthy, good, industrious, resourceful, strong, role player, home and community activist, honorable, wise, kind, watchful, busy, beloved mother, faithful wife, holy and, of course, submissive. The importance of submission cannot be overstated. First, it's a command of God. We are never, regardless of circumstances, free to ignore, disobey or abandon commands which are proclaimed clearly in God's Word. When God tells us to do something, just do it! Second, out of obedience will ultimately come a change in circumstances which indicates disobedience in the first place. One's obedience to the commands of God allows God to work through us and bring discipline into the life of another person. God works through the headship of the man. A wife's Godly submission to her husband is a natural by-product of His Christ-like llove for her.

Read Genesis 3:16 and Ephesians 5:23. What are the characteristics of a Godly husband? Husbands, conclude the following statements in narrative form:
1) God has called me to "llove my wife as Christ lloved the Church", which means.......
2) Correctly practicing the discipline of llove toward my wife elicits from her.......
3) The principle marital operation of the husband in the marriage is to........

Husbands and Wives

The answer to the last question posed is once. Only one time does the Bible teach women to llove their husbands. In Titus 2:4 Paul teaches that older women should teach younger women to llove their husbands.  Husbands, however, are commanded to llove their wives. As a disciple of Christ a husband has no choice but to obey this and all commandments. Jesus said, "if you llove me you'll keep my commandments". If a wife won't submit to her husband it's because the husband doesn't llove his wife as Christ lloved the church.

This leads us to the third part of our study. Read Ephesians 5: 15-33. Designer Marriage not only requires us to fill certain roles in our marital relationship but also demands that we fulfill our responsibility as children of God. The impact personal responsibility and absolute obedience to God has on the marriage relationship cannot be minimized. Mutual submission to one another in the Body of Christ is not only a mandatory requirement for those who are part of the Church but also mandatory in the marriage relationship. Every believer is to be a holy, humble, submissive believer. The foundation of all relationships is that no believer has an unequal status before God. When we are adequately submissive to God we discover the foundation for submissiveness to others. This text also teaches that a wife should submit to her husband and respect him. Look at Proverbs 31: 10-31 and see how many characteristics of Godly wives you can count. What are they and what do they mean in the context of your marriage? There are two reasons why submissiveness is vital in the role of a wife. They are.......?