Problem, Problem, Who Owns the Problem?

Ever notice how quickly and easily our kids problems can become ours? They don't do their homework and we have to go into crisis intervention. They're late for school so we're late for work. Cline/Fay say if it's a problem for us, it should be a problem for them. Unfortunately, separating the kids' problems from our problems is not always as cut and dried as we would like. When we step into our kids' problems, we cater more to our own emotions than to the kids' needs. Most kids want us to understand their feelings, not sooth our own emotional turmoil by offering them solutions. Our intervention demonstrates a selfish love. We don't want to be embarrassed and have others think we're bad parents or the parents of the biggest jerk in school. We must rise up to a higher love - a love that shows itself in allowing our kids to learn on their own. Cline/Fay offer the following scenario - your kid punches a neighbor kid and the neighbor kid goes home crying but unhurt, physically. Do you react with embarrassment? What will the neighbors think/do? Do you react angrily or with authoritarian orders? Do you throw up your hands in helplessness? Any of these responses means you've taken ownership of the problem. Confronting your child to inquire how they think their actions affected the neighbor(s) and suggesting there are better ways of solving problems without hitting is certainly appropriate. Such comments put the burden of resolving the problem as well as the future response on your child's shoulders. The best solution to any problem lies within the skin of the person who owns the problem.