Communication

The first discussion topic in applying the DDS system is communication. It's often listed as the major difficulty in the marriage relationship. Part of the problem lies in the idea that communication is almost exclusively what we say. However, in reality it is more what we hear or perceive we hear. It may be that the more important component of communication is listening.

We must listen effectively. For example: Listen to what is said. Don't assign your meaning to it. If the meaning is not clear, ask for a clarification. Never assume what is said means something that it does not.

We must speak clearly. Practice saying what you mean and meaning what you say. Stick to the issue at hand and do not trivialize it. Don't make a "mountain out of a molehill". If you are looking for a specific response, say so. If you do not want a response, say so.

Always speak the truth. Do not embellish the issue with insights, assumptions, suppositions or non-truths. For example: Do not use phrases like:
"Since I've been through this before, I know....." (insight)
"So I assume you meant....." (assumption)
"Now I suppose you are going to...." (suppositions)
"There's no way you could care about....." (untruth)

Communication IS a two way street. It is vital that conversation travel in both directions without damage from collision of words which result from failure to think clearly before speaking. Communication is usually more effective if we make an attempt to see/hear the conversation from another's perspective as well as our own.

Answer the following in narrative form:
1) Define communication
2) Who is the best communicator, you or your spouse? Why?
3) Where does your communication break down? eg: when we get angry or loud
4) What part of the communication attempt makes you most angry?
5) Do you argue? Do you win? Are you happy when you win?

Key thought: Communication, or lack thereof, affects every part of our relationship. Whether our failure may be in communicating what to get at the grocery store or in how we are satisfied sexually, an inability to resolve the breakdown will negate every other positive.

Couple time: Reflect on these important issues - when is the best time to talk to each other? What topic creates the most "failure to communicate"? Have you ever written down or recorded your conversation and analyzed it? Through whose perspective do you look at situations? Could you communicate better if you use the DDS process?