The Threat Cycle

Cline/Fay say the temptation is great. Threats make us feel like we're in control and they sometimes work. However, threats don't work on all kids and don't always work on every kid. When kids are commanded to do something they don't want to do they will fight back - usually with actions, not words. They might do the dishes but accidentally break one or two. They may go to bed but at a snails pace or find all kinds of issues once they get there. (need a drink, too hot/cold etc). We'd rather they think than fight. Fighting words invite disobedience. It has been clinically proven that kids who are thinking cannot fight us at the same time. Therefore, instead of saying "you get to work on that lawn right now" or "you're not going to talk to me that way" or "I'm not letting you out of this house until you clean the living room"; say, "Feel free to join us for your next meal as soon as the lawn is mowed" or "I'll be glad to read you a story as soon as you've finished your bath" or "You may eat what is served, or you may wait and see if the next meal appeals to you more."Then, let our yes be yes and our no be yes too. Use no as seldom as possible but when we do it must mean just that - no exceptions. All of the other times we are tempted to use no, we can avoid a fight by forcing our kids to do the thinking, by replacing no with a yes to something else. In this way, we use thinking words instead of fighting words, and we establish the behavior we want. For example "yes, you may go out to play as soon as you practice your lessons" or "yes, you may watch TV as soon as your chores are done". Now, what if they say they don't like either of those choices? We would lovingly say "well, honey, that's the way the world works for me. First, I get my job done, then I get paid, then I eat. If it's good enough for me, who do you think I think it's also good enough for?" The child will always answer, a little dejectedly but insightfully, "me". And we always respond with, "good thinking". Once the limit is established, be assured kids will push the boundaries to see if you really mean it. If you give in, you've lost. In other words, if they miss a meal, so be it. No snacks later.