Monday, November 28, 2011

Bad Boy at Burger King

Six year old Marty was a master at goading his folks into unwinnable control battles. While Mom and Dad are finishing their food and getting ready to finish some shopping before the mall closes, Marty is doing everything with his food except eating it. Mom is frustrated and tells Marty to hurry up and eat. Marty buzzes his burger with a fry. Now Dad jumps in with the threats. Mom tries the "open wide for the airplane" trick but Marty clamps his jaws shut like a bear trap. More threats from Mom and Dad. Soon, almost imperceptibly, the corners of Marty's mouth begin to tighten into a curt, self-satisfied smile. Dad sees it and loses it with more threats. Marty, no doubt, is thinking something like this: "Look at me. I'm only six years old and I've totally controlled these two adults fro twenty minutes without even opening my mouth. What a power trip. I control their tone of voice, the color of their faces, and whether or not they make fools of themselves in public. The last thing on my mind is worrying about their threats." A love-and-logic parent would say with a smile "No problem Marty. The car will be leaving in five minutes. There are two ways to leave with me: Hungry is one way; not hungry is the other." You can't control if the burger goes down the throat but you can control when the car leaves.....and if the child remains hungry. By offering Marty choices, the struggle is transferred inside Marty's head. Marty's too busy to argue - he's weighing his choices, "hungry... not hungry" - and Dad and Mom have five minutes of welcome tranquility. Many parents, however, after issuing alternatives, would be tempted to harp and nag while the child is making up his mind. "Don't forget, the car is leaving in three minutes" or "if you don't eat that food you're going to be hungry".  These sorts of reminders are putdowns. Cut the kid some slack. Marty's smart enough to remember the choices he's been given. Back them up Mom and Dad!

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