Implied Messages - A three legged stool

Cline/Fay say that building a child's positive self concept is often eroded, likely unintentionally, by parents. They say that building a child's self concept is like a three legged stool. It takes all three legs to stand firmly. If one is weakened the whole stool is unstable. If one is missing, goodbye table. The stool is built through the implied messages parents give. They say that unfortunately, many of the really powerful messages we send to our children have negative covert meanings. Parents may mean well, but the words used and the way they're used are received by children as something totally different from what we meant to say. For example, a simple question like, "What are you doing that for?"packs a double meaning. The overt message is simple enough but what a child may hear is "you're not very competent." When parents say "if I've told you once I've told you a thousand times" the implication is "you're pretty dumb, and your neurons work sluggishly." Such implied messages are putdowns, the kind of messages that make people mad. Even coated with a sugary, soothing voice - "now honey, you're not going without your coat today, are you?" - implies "you're not smart enough to know whether or not your own body is hot or cold." Commands like shut up, stop arguing, turn off the tv etc., implies "I'm bigger than you are",  "I'm more powerful than you are", "I have more authority and can make you do things". Stated this way, a child's self concept is slashed. Conversely, when parenting with love and logic, a powerful combination is emphasized: letting kids fail in non-threatening situations while emphasizing their strengths. The idea is to correct the behavior without insulting their character. Here's a tip: offer acceptable choices and then, "honey, I'll let you decide that for yourself". Overt message - you can decide. Covert message - you are capable. In the following posts we'll examine each of the 3 legs of the stool.