How to talk and still set limits

Cline/Fay say kids seem most secure around parents who are strong, who don't allow the limits they place on their kids to crumble. Children lose respect for adults who cannot set limits and make them stick. Kids who misbehave without having to face the consequences become brats. For many parents setting limits means issuing commands, and backing up those limits with more commands spiced with sternness and anger. They may get results, but they're setting their kids up for a fight against them.

The difference for love and logic parents is they are always asking questions and offering choices. Consider the following fighting words vs thinking words:

Don't you talk to me in that tone of voice. OR You sound upset. I'll be glad to listen when your voice is as soft as mine is.

You get to work on your studying. OR Feel free to join us for some television when your studying is done.

Be nice to each other. Quit fighting. OR You guys are welcome to come back as soon as you work that out.

I want that lawn cut, now! OR I'll be taking you to your soccer game as soon as the lawn is cut.

Love and Logic is not a license for misbehavior

Cline/Fay say the trick is to never actually tell kids what they have just learned. Further, telling them what to think is counter productive. We can give them guidance but they must learn to think for themselves. The best time to start is when they're toddlers. Once they leave our care we want them to be so good at thinking that they can face bigger problems and the daily hassles of life with competence and good sense. The key involves setting limits and boundaries involving 1) modeling good adult behavior by caring for ourselves and 2) life or death issues. In both of these instances the child's problem becomes our problem. Consider the following example with "Thoughtful" and "Thug":

These two toddlers want to be picked up. They raise their hands and scream demandingly at their parents. Thug's parents pick him up. In essence, they say "Be obnoxious with me and you'll get your way". However, when Thoughtful raises her hands and screams, her father politely says, without anger or sarcasm, "Thoughtful, why don't you lie down on the floor? I can't pick you up when you act like that." Thoughtful begins to learn to say "Daddy, will you pick me up please?"

The boundaries we set for our children are in reality the boundaries we set for ourselves. The more squishy and indecisive we are about our own boundaries, the more soggy and inconsistent we are about the limits we set for our kids.