Leg Two - I have the skills I need to make it

According to Cline/Fay - to build children's self-concept parents must send messages that tell the children they have the skills people their age need to be successful. Each child must feel they can compete. Mom and Dad can't make it for them. These skills are learned through modeling. Parents must realize that children are always watching them and taking cues on how to act and react.

Timmy sees his dad sweeping the garage. He grabs a little broom and starts moving dirt around, imitating his father. Inside, Timmy is thinking, "I feel big. I am learning how to use a broom. I hope Dad notices." Dad notices all right. He notices all the missed spots. "Timmy," he says, his voice dripping with disapproval, "look at the mess you're making! Please go play and let me finish this." Done once in awhile, Timmy's self concept will likely turn out ok. But habitual discouragement will lead to a poor self concept. He'll stop trying to imitate responsible "adult" behavior.

Parents who routinely focus on the end result rather than on the learning taking place wind up with kids who have a negative self-concept about their skills. Then, parents wonder why kids don't help out around the house. The process of getting to the end result comes from practice, encouragement and modeling. Starting at a young age, parents can teach a great combination of: getting the job done, fun and me. Never pass judgment on the work of children when they are trying to learn. Try saying things like: "I can see that you are working hard to learn to do long division. Let me know if you would like some help." "I see that you are learning to make the bed just like Mommy. Would you like me to show you how I (not you) get the wrinkles out?" Whenever possible we slip a little fun in the task.  As children grow, parents should remove themselves from the triad leaving the job and fun.

Leg One - I am loved by the magic people in my life

Cline/Fay say, "The best kind of love is the love that comes with no strings attached.....genuine love must be shown regardless of the kids' accomplishments. That does not mean, however, that we approve of all their actions. Some parents withhold love as a way of making children behave better or to break bad habits. Others, in their zeal to help youngsters improve schoolwork, for example, exert so much "love' getting them to do their homework that the children receive covert messages that real love will have to wait until they improve. In reality, the interaction between parents and children - the expression of love - is far more important than the kids' successes or failures. Here's a paradox: Kids can't get better until we prove to them, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that they're good enough the way they are. Strong, effective parents say in both their overt and covert messages, 'there's a lot of love here for you regardless of the way you act or do your work at school or anyplace else'. When this love is combined with touching, a smile, and eye contact, a super-glue bond is created between parent and child. Kids remember these messages for a lifetime when they come from "magical people" in their lives - close family members and special teachers. They subconsciously - even consciously - set out to prove that their magical people are correct.

Implied Messages - A three legged stool

Cline/Fay say that building a child's positive self concept is often eroded, likely unintentionally, by parents. They say that building a child's self concept is like a three legged stool. It takes all three legs to stand firmly. If one is weakened the whole stool is unstable. If one is missing, goodbye table. The stool is built through the implied messages parents give. They say that unfortunately, many of the really powerful messages we send to our children have negative covert meanings. Parents may mean well, but the words used and the way they're used are received by children as something totally different from what we meant to say. For example, a simple question like, "What are you doing that for?"packs a double meaning. The overt message is simple enough but what a child may hear is "you're not very competent." When parents say "if I've told you once I've told you a thousand times" the implication is "you're pretty dumb, and your neurons work sluggishly." Such implied messages are putdowns, the kind of messages that make people mad. Even coated with a sugary, soothing voice - "now honey, you're not going without your coat today, are you?" - implies "you're not smart enough to know whether or not your own body is hot or cold." Commands like shut up, stop arguing, turn off the tv etc., implies "I'm bigger than you are",  "I'm more powerful than you are", "I have more authority and can make you do things". Stated this way, a child's self concept is slashed. Conversely, when parenting with love and logic, a powerful combination is emphasized: letting kids fail in non-threatening situations while emphasizing their strengths. The idea is to correct the behavior without insulting their character. Here's a tip: offer acceptable choices and then, "honey, I'll let you decide that for yourself". Overt message - you can decide. Covert message - you are capable. In the following posts we'll examine each of the 3 legs of the stool.