Control

If a parent calls a child to dinner and the child doesn't come, who is in control? Would it be easy to say "dinner's in 20 minutes and we'd love to have you join us. If not, you can join us at breakfast"? If that seems like a difficult thing to do it's likely due to our feeling a loss of control. The solution is putting kids in control on our terms, according to Cline/Fay. Kids with too much control become brats. Too little control puts them in a constant battle with parents. Psychologist Sylvia B. Rimm, Ph.D., says people of all ages compare the amount of control they have in a relationship only to the amount of control they used to have - not to the amount they feel they should have. When more control is allotted with time, people are satisfied; when control is cut back, people are angry. Thus, children who grow up with parents who dole out control in increasing amounts are usually satisfied with the level of control. Thus, toddlers make decisions about things like chocolate or white milk; ten year olds decide how to spend their allowances; and seventeen year olds make decisions on nearly every aspect of their lives. The obvious conclusion to this is if a parent disengages due to being tired, lazy etc. they allow kids to take control. When parents see this result they try to wrest back control and discover what fighting is all about. Worse, as noted in previous posts, if parents win the fight (individual battles) they lose the war. Kids never tire of trying to regain lost ground. In fact, none of us do.