God's design for the marriage relationship expects that it will begin with a total lack of experience with sexuality beyond academic acumen. Since that is seldom the case, it is necessary not only to learn an effective sexual relationship but also to unlearn any prior sexual experience. The action, often referred to as carrying "sexual baggage" into the relationship, is always damaging.
Building an excellent, effective sexual relationship requires communication. It would be wise to repeat your study of the second item under Communication discussed in a previous post. Speaking clearly and accurately is the primary means by which one can determine what a spouse thinks, wants and needs.
Although extreme sensitivity to responses and actions is fundamental and useful, it is, at best, subjective, and therefore to some degree, uncertain. Sex involves the whole person. Physical attractiveness, emotional maturity and mental stability are crucial to great sex.
Sexual function is personal and private. The actions and activities that you, as a couple, choose or avoid are yours alone and are neither subject to the scrutiny of nor suitability for any other individual(s). What is acceptable to both and is not forbidden in Scripture is certainly within the scope of the relationship.
Sex is good! Sex is pure! Sex is holy! The originator of sex is God. It is therefore perfect and holy. Only the actions of those outside of God's design have created the perceptions that sex is "dirty" or "unholy" or "tawdry".
Answer the following in narrative form:
1) Is your "sex life" all you want it to be? Why/Why not?
2) Do you have sexual baggage you have brought into the marriage?
3) How often do you participate in "sex"? How often do you "talk" about sex with each other?
4) How much of your "sexual encounter" takes place in the kitchen?
5) Do you have "dirty" sex?
A key thought: Good sex may or may not be vital to a marriage (some couples have no sex at all; however, bad sex is always destructive. Whatever you think you know, learn more.
Reflections:
1) Are you a "lights off" or "lights on" person when sex is in progress?
2) What is your spouse's favorite "turn on"?
3) What is your spouse's worst "turn off"?
4) If you could "make love" with anybody, who would you choose?
Monday, March 28, 2011
Monday, March 21, 2011
Finances
The second discussion topic to utilize DDS (Discussion Designed for Solution) is Finances. Financial resources create instability in a marriage when they are handled ineffectively and inconsistently. Having sufficient financial resources is often difficult in the modern marriage. For those blessed with abundant or more than enough money the issue takes on a different perspective. We will approach it only from the "short" side.
#1 - It is always "our" money. The worst possible financial scenario in a marriage is when there is a division between "my" money and "your" money. All resources from a financial perspective must flow in and out of a single operation. Who manages those funds is irrelevant as long as there is agreement about the process.
#2 - It is almost always smart to maintain a written budget. It is not by accident that corporations, large and small, businesses, schools, churches and wise families maintain a budget. Once we know how, when and where money comes into the relationship, and where when, and how money leaves the relationship, we can get a handle on its flow.
#3 - Failing to properly manage financial resources leads to financial disaster and marital discord. Learning to live according to our financial ability creates monetary liquidity and builds harmony in a relationship. Focusing on what others (parents, friends, business partners, etc.) do regarding their assets is always a poor substitute for quality planning and execution.
Answer the following in narrative form:
1) Who handles the financial operation in your home and why?
2) Would more income make a difference in the "attitude" you have about your financial well-being?
3) Have you ever had a personal budget?
4) Have you ever tried budgeting your family income? Why/why not?
5) Do you compare your income and lifestyle to others? (Family, friends, co-workers etc)
6) How much money do you save (long term)? Is it enough?
7) How much money do you have invested for the future? Is it enough?
Key thought - Someone said, "Money is not the most important thing in the world, but it is way ahead of whatever is second." Money problems top the list of concerns for people involved in marriage counseling. Making wise decisions with maximum input is mandatory for success.
Reflections (couple time):
1) Do you acquire money from family members/friends/personal loans?
2) How much money do you really need (per year) to live in the style you desire?
3) What is your personal net worth? (as a couple)
#1 - It is always "our" money. The worst possible financial scenario in a marriage is when there is a division between "my" money and "your" money. All resources from a financial perspective must flow in and out of a single operation. Who manages those funds is irrelevant as long as there is agreement about the process.
#2 - It is almost always smart to maintain a written budget. It is not by accident that corporations, large and small, businesses, schools, churches and wise families maintain a budget. Once we know how, when and where money comes into the relationship, and where when, and how money leaves the relationship, we can get a handle on its flow.
#3 - Failing to properly manage financial resources leads to financial disaster and marital discord. Learning to live according to our financial ability creates monetary liquidity and builds harmony in a relationship. Focusing on what others (parents, friends, business partners, etc.) do regarding their assets is always a poor substitute for quality planning and execution.
Answer the following in narrative form:
1) Who handles the financial operation in your home and why?
2) Would more income make a difference in the "attitude" you have about your financial well-being?
3) Have you ever had a personal budget?
4) Have you ever tried budgeting your family income? Why/why not?
5) Do you compare your income and lifestyle to others? (Family, friends, co-workers etc)
6) How much money do you save (long term)? Is it enough?
7) How much money do you have invested for the future? Is it enough?
Key thought - Someone said, "Money is not the most important thing in the world, but it is way ahead of whatever is second." Money problems top the list of concerns for people involved in marriage counseling. Making wise decisions with maximum input is mandatory for success.
Reflections (couple time):
1) Do you acquire money from family members/friends/personal loans?
2) How much money do you really need (per year) to live in the style you desire?
3) What is your personal net worth? (as a couple)
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
Communication
The first discussion topic in applying the DDS system is communication. It's often listed as the major difficulty in the marriage relationship. Part of the problem lies in the idea that communication is almost exclusively what we say. However, in reality it is more what we hear or perceive we hear. It may be that the more important component of communication is listening.
We must listen effectively. For example: Listen to what is said. Don't assign your meaning to it. If the meaning is not clear, ask for a clarification. Never assume what is said means something that it does not.
We must speak clearly. Practice saying what you mean and meaning what you say. Stick to the issue at hand and do not trivialize it. Don't make a "mountain out of a molehill". If you are looking for a specific response, say so. If you do not want a response, say so.
Always speak the truth. Do not embellish the issue with insights, assumptions, suppositions or non-truths. For example: Do not use phrases like:
"Since I've been through this before, I know....." (insight)
"So I assume you meant....." (assumption)
"Now I suppose you are going to...." (suppositions)
"There's no way you could care about....." (untruth)
Communication IS a two way street. It is vital that conversation travel in both directions without damage from collision of words which result from failure to think clearly before speaking. Communication is usually more effective if we make an attempt to see/hear the conversation from another's perspective as well as our own.
Answer the following in narrative form:
1) Define communication
2) Who is the best communicator, you or your spouse? Why?
3) Where does your communication break down? eg: when we get angry or loud
4) What part of the communication attempt makes you most angry?
5) Do you argue? Do you win? Are you happy when you win?
Key thought: Communication, or lack thereof, affects every part of our relationship. Whether our failure may be in communicating what to get at the grocery store or in how we are satisfied sexually, an inability to resolve the breakdown will negate every other positive.
Couple time: Reflect on these important issues - when is the best time to talk to each other? What topic creates the most "failure to communicate"? Have you ever written down or recorded your conversation and analyzed it? Through whose perspective do you look at situations? Could you communicate better if you use the DDS process?
We must listen effectively. For example: Listen to what is said. Don't assign your meaning to it. If the meaning is not clear, ask for a clarification. Never assume what is said means something that it does not.
We must speak clearly. Practice saying what you mean and meaning what you say. Stick to the issue at hand and do not trivialize it. Don't make a "mountain out of a molehill". If you are looking for a specific response, say so. If you do not want a response, say so.
Always speak the truth. Do not embellish the issue with insights, assumptions, suppositions or non-truths. For example: Do not use phrases like:
"Since I've been through this before, I know....." (insight)
"So I assume you meant....." (assumption)
"Now I suppose you are going to...." (suppositions)
"There's no way you could care about....." (untruth)
Communication IS a two way street. It is vital that conversation travel in both directions without damage from collision of words which result from failure to think clearly before speaking. Communication is usually more effective if we make an attempt to see/hear the conversation from another's perspective as well as our own.
Answer the following in narrative form:
1) Define communication
2) Who is the best communicator, you or your spouse? Why?
3) Where does your communication break down? eg: when we get angry or loud
4) What part of the communication attempt makes you most angry?
5) Do you argue? Do you win? Are you happy when you win?
Key thought: Communication, or lack thereof, affects every part of our relationship. Whether our failure may be in communicating what to get at the grocery store or in how we are satisfied sexually, an inability to resolve the breakdown will negate every other positive.
Couple time: Reflect on these important issues - when is the best time to talk to each other? What topic creates the most "failure to communicate"? Have you ever written down or recorded your conversation and analyzed it? Through whose perspective do you look at situations? Could you communicate better if you use the DDS process?
Monday, March 7, 2011
DDS - Discussion Designed for Solution
Often the quickest and most effective method for discovering solutions is to involve those who care about an issue in a designed discussion.
A designed discussion is one that has: 1) a purpose (discovering a solution/solutions 2) a set of rules (see below) and 3) a time limit. The time limit may not allow for reaching a solution or all the possible solutions; however, it does serve to end the discussion at an appropriate time. Discussion can usually be re-started at the will and convenience of the participants.
Rules for DDS
1) Establish a time limit for ending the discussion
2) Limit the participants to those who are likely to be part of the solution
3) Order the initial comments
4) Discuss/consider only items germane to the issue at hand
5) Listen effectively and take notes if appropriate
6) Think creatively
7) NEVER attack an individual personally!
8) NEVER interrupt another's discussion
9) NEVER dominate the discussion
10) Write the solution or possible solutions discovered
The last post (True or False) listed a number of questions to which I would answer "true" to each. They may or may not apply to your circumstance but to the extent they do the question becomes "what do we do about it?" Over the course of the next few postings we're going to utilize these rules for DDS to look into Communication; Finances; Sexual Compatibility; Positive and Negative Attributes. Hopefully, you'll find the answer to "what do we do about it" contained therein. If not, feel free to comment/question. Even if you think none of those true/false questions apply to your situation - LOOK OUT! I can tell you from experience that there have been a couple of times when I was approached with those dreaded (to me) words "we need to talk". I must confess I was dumbfounded simply because I thought everything was ok and was absolutely blind to the effect our circumstances were having on my spouse. Fortunately for me (and us) my spouse somehow instinctively knew these rules and we pretty much utilized each of them except I don't recall writing down our solution (number 10). Perhaps it would be worthwhile to consider approaching your mate to do a "marriage check" just in the case there is something that requires airing but your mate just hasn't worked up the courage to address for fear of creating a problem. If there is an issue then it's likely a problem already exists and it will never go away on it's own. It just gets worse.
A designed discussion is one that has: 1) a purpose (discovering a solution/solutions 2) a set of rules (see below) and 3) a time limit. The time limit may not allow for reaching a solution or all the possible solutions; however, it does serve to end the discussion at an appropriate time. Discussion can usually be re-started at the will and convenience of the participants.
Rules for DDS
1) Establish a time limit for ending the discussion
2) Limit the participants to those who are likely to be part of the solution
3) Order the initial comments
4) Discuss/consider only items germane to the issue at hand
5) Listen effectively and take notes if appropriate
6) Think creatively
7) NEVER attack an individual personally!
8) NEVER interrupt another's discussion
9) NEVER dominate the discussion
10) Write the solution or possible solutions discovered
The last post (True or False) listed a number of questions to which I would answer "true" to each. They may or may not apply to your circumstance but to the extent they do the question becomes "what do we do about it?" Over the course of the next few postings we're going to utilize these rules for DDS to look into Communication; Finances; Sexual Compatibility; Positive and Negative Attributes. Hopefully, you'll find the answer to "what do we do about it" contained therein. If not, feel free to comment/question. Even if you think none of those true/false questions apply to your situation - LOOK OUT! I can tell you from experience that there have been a couple of times when I was approached with those dreaded (to me) words "we need to talk". I must confess I was dumbfounded simply because I thought everything was ok and was absolutely blind to the effect our circumstances were having on my spouse. Fortunately for me (and us) my spouse somehow instinctively knew these rules and we pretty much utilized each of them except I don't recall writing down our solution (number 10). Perhaps it would be worthwhile to consider approaching your mate to do a "marriage check" just in the case there is something that requires airing but your mate just hasn't worked up the courage to address for fear of creating a problem. If there is an issue then it's likely a problem already exists and it will never go away on it's own. It just gets worse.
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