Problem, Problem, Who Owns the Problem?

Ever notice how quickly and easily our kids problems can become ours? They don't do their homework and we have to go into crisis intervention. They're late for school so we're late for work. Cline/Fay say if it's a problem for us, it should be a problem for them. Unfortunately, separating the kids' problems from our problems is not always as cut and dried as we would like. When we step into our kids' problems, we cater more to our own emotions than to the kids' needs. Most kids want us to understand their feelings, not sooth our own emotional turmoil by offering them solutions. Our intervention demonstrates a selfish love. We don't want to be embarrassed and have others think we're bad parents or the parents of the biggest jerk in school. We must rise up to a higher love - a love that shows itself in allowing our kids to learn on their own. Cline/Fay offer the following scenario - your kid punches a neighbor kid and the neighbor kid goes home crying but unhurt, physically. Do you react with embarrassment? What will the neighbors think/do? Do you react angrily or with authoritarian orders? Do you throw up your hands in helplessness? Any of these responses means you've taken ownership of the problem. Confronting your child to inquire how they think their actions affected the neighbor(s) and suggesting there are better ways of solving problems without hitting is certainly appropriate. Such comments put the burden of resolving the problem as well as the future response on your child's shoulders. The best solution to any problem lies within the skin of the person who owns the problem.

When to step in & when to step out

Cline/Fay say there are two occasions when we should make our children's problems our problems: 1) we step in when our children are in definite danger of losing life or limb, or of making a decision that could affect them for a lifetime; and 2) we step in when the children know that we know that they know that they cannot cope with their problem, and the consequences are very significant......for as soon as a parent steps in, the child gets the "you can't cope" message. Sometimes, though, we don't care if the child gets that message because everyone already knows it. Remember: Everything we fix for our kids, our kids will be unable to fix for themselves. If Anna has trouble on the school bus and we haul on down to the stop one morning to talk to the driver and the other kids, Anna is robbed of any chance of handling that problem by herself, and will believe that she can't. If there's more than a ten percent chance that our child might be able to work it out, we should keep clear of the problem.

Responsible or Irresponsible Kids?

Jim Fay shares an observance of his three decades in education. He says the most responsible kids were the ones in an inner-city school who lived in federally funded housing projects. They got up in the morning without assistance and got to school in time for breakfast without assistance. They knew if they got there, they got breakfast; if they didn't, they missed it. They never missed a bus when it was going someplace they wanted to go. The most irresponsible kids were upper-middle-class kids in a suburban school district. The first day of school a thousand kids arrived in eighteen different buses. Half of these kids ran straight to the playground for some pre-bell frolic. The other half raced directly to the principal's office to phone their folks for forgotten school materials, coats and lunches. Fay says that responsible behavior has a direct correlation to the number of decisions children are forced to make. The more they make, the more responsible they become.

How can you engineer your kids daily activities toward making responsible decisions?

Decisions Decisions

A quote from Love and Logic Tip from Cline/Fay: "When little kids rebel, parents can quash the rebellion with a stern order and get good short-term results. But when kids hit adolescence and rebel, parental orders become unenforceable. Allowing children at a young age to practice decision making on simple issues teaches them to think, to control their own lives. When adolescence hits, they will be less susceptible to peer pressure on booze, drugs, sex, and other temptations. They will have learned that they can make their own wise decisions. Those kids can become their parents' very best friends during the tough teenage years. They can also become their own best friend."

Of course, you'll need to put up with a child who, from time to time, will be cold, hot, thirsty, hungry, angry, messy and otherwise ill suited to go out in public. Can you handle that?

When and What to Celebrate?

I read Mac Engle's column in Saturday's (June 4) Star-Telegram with great interest and through the lens of this parenting study. He said, "In order to achieve certain goals, there are some things that need to be done that do not come with ribbons, plaques or a trophy." He goes on later in the article to say, "The Miami Heat, however, is the perfect team for my generation, and younger. We want credit for graduating from kindergarten, the first grade, second grade, third grade, for tying our shoelaces, for screwing in a light bulb or emptying the dishwasher. This over-celebrating minimizes genuine accomplishment, and entitles us to a snack after turning off our PlayStation 3." What's the difference between the point Engle is making and the point Cline/Fay make re: the three legged stool to raise our kids? Is there a mistake for which to be on the lookout? What can you do to avoid the mistake? If you've already made it, is there a correction available?

Leg Three - I am capable of taking control of my liffe

Cline/Fay say "Children with a strong third leg on the three-legged table listen to a little voice in their head that says, 'I am capable of taking control of my life. I can make decisions, and I am strong enough to live with the good and the bad consequences of my decisions.' Children who say this have been allowed to make decisions about the things that affect them directly. Many parents tell their children they expect them to be responsible for themselves, yet these same parents are forever informing their kids when they are hot, cold, hungry, thirsty, tired, or even when they need to go to the bathroom. Examples:

Put on your coat. It's too cold to go out without one.
You can't be hungry. We just ate an hour ago.
Sit down and be quiet. You don't need another drink.
You get to sleep right this minute.
Be sure to use the bathroom before we leave.

Each of these messages tells children they are not capable of thinking for themselves, that they cannot take control of their life and make decisions." The result is kids who are not responsible, do not think for themselves, make poor choices and become dependent.

What are you doing, as parents, that contribute to this? What are some ways out?

Leg Two - I have the skills I need to make it

According to Cline/Fay - to build children's self-concept parents must send messages that tell the children they have the skills people their age need to be successful. Each child must feel they can compete. Mom and Dad can't make it for them. These skills are learned through modeling. Parents must realize that children are always watching them and taking cues on how to act and react.

Timmy sees his dad sweeping the garage. He grabs a little broom and starts moving dirt around, imitating his father. Inside, Timmy is thinking, "I feel big. I am learning how to use a broom. I hope Dad notices." Dad notices all right. He notices all the missed spots. "Timmy," he says, his voice dripping with disapproval, "look at the mess you're making! Please go play and let me finish this." Done once in awhile, Timmy's self concept will likely turn out ok. But habitual discouragement will lead to a poor self concept. He'll stop trying to imitate responsible "adult" behavior.

Parents who routinely focus on the end result rather than on the learning taking place wind up with kids who have a negative self-concept about their skills. Then, parents wonder why kids don't help out around the house. The process of getting to the end result comes from practice, encouragement and modeling. Starting at a young age, parents can teach a great combination of: getting the job done, fun and me. Never pass judgment on the work of children when they are trying to learn. Try saying things like: "I can see that you are working hard to learn to do long division. Let me know if you would like some help." "I see that you are learning to make the bed just like Mommy. Would you like me to show you how I (not you) get the wrinkles out?" Whenever possible we slip a little fun in the task.  As children grow, parents should remove themselves from the triad leaving the job and fun.