Leg Two - I have the skills I need to make it

According to Cline/Fay - to build children's self-concept parents must send messages that tell the children they have the skills people their age need to be successful. Each child must feel they can compete. Mom and Dad can't make it for them. These skills are learned through modeling. Parents must realize that children are always watching them and taking cues on how to act and react.

Timmy sees his dad sweeping the garage. He grabs a little broom and starts moving dirt around, imitating his father. Inside, Timmy is thinking, "I feel big. I am learning how to use a broom. I hope Dad notices." Dad notices all right. He notices all the missed spots. "Timmy," he says, his voice dripping with disapproval, "look at the mess you're making! Please go play and let me finish this." Done once in awhile, Timmy's self concept will likely turn out ok. But habitual discouragement will lead to a poor self concept. He'll stop trying to imitate responsible "adult" behavior.

Parents who routinely focus on the end result rather than on the learning taking place wind up with kids who have a negative self-concept about their skills. Then, parents wonder why kids don't help out around the house. The process of getting to the end result comes from practice, encouragement and modeling. Starting at a young age, parents can teach a great combination of: getting the job done, fun and me. Never pass judgment on the work of children when they are trying to learn. Try saying things like: "I can see that you are working hard to learn to do long division. Let me know if you would like some help." "I see that you are learning to make the bed just like Mommy. Would you like me to show you how I (not you) get the wrinkles out?" Whenever possible we slip a little fun in the task.  As children grow, parents should remove themselves from the triad leaving the job and fun.

Leg One - I am loved by the magic people in my life

Cline/Fay say, "The best kind of love is the love that comes with no strings attached.....genuine love must be shown regardless of the kids' accomplishments. That does not mean, however, that we approve of all their actions. Some parents withhold love as a way of making children behave better or to break bad habits. Others, in their zeal to help youngsters improve schoolwork, for example, exert so much "love' getting them to do their homework that the children receive covert messages that real love will have to wait until they improve. In reality, the interaction between parents and children - the expression of love - is far more important than the kids' successes or failures. Here's a paradox: Kids can't get better until we prove to them, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that they're good enough the way they are. Strong, effective parents say in both their overt and covert messages, 'there's a lot of love here for you regardless of the way you act or do your work at school or anyplace else'. When this love is combined with touching, a smile, and eye contact, a super-glue bond is created between parent and child. Kids remember these messages for a lifetime when they come from "magical people" in their lives - close family members and special teachers. They subconsciously - even consciously - set out to prove that their magical people are correct.

Implied Messages - A three legged stool

Cline/Fay say that building a child's positive self concept is often eroded, likely unintentionally, by parents. They say that building a child's self concept is like a three legged stool. It takes all three legs to stand firmly. If one is weakened the whole stool is unstable. If one is missing, goodbye table. The stool is built through the implied messages parents give. They say that unfortunately, many of the really powerful messages we send to our children have negative covert meanings. Parents may mean well, but the words used and the way they're used are received by children as something totally different from what we meant to say. For example, a simple question like, "What are you doing that for?"packs a double meaning. The overt message is simple enough but what a child may hear is "you're not very competent." When parents say "if I've told you once I've told you a thousand times" the implication is "you're pretty dumb, and your neurons work sluggishly." Such implied messages are putdowns, the kind of messages that make people mad. Even coated with a sugary, soothing voice - "now honey, you're not going without your coat today, are you?" - implies "you're not smart enough to know whether or not your own body is hot or cold." Commands like shut up, stop arguing, turn off the tv etc., implies "I'm bigger than you are",  "I'm more powerful than you are", "I have more authority and can make you do things". Stated this way, a child's self concept is slashed. Conversely, when parenting with love and logic, a powerful combination is emphasized: letting kids fail in non-threatening situations while emphasizing their strengths. The idea is to correct the behavior without insulting their character. Here's a tip: offer acceptable choices and then, "honey, I'll let you decide that for yourself". Overt message - you can decide. Covert message - you are capable. In the following posts we'll examine each of the 3 legs of the stool.

I am what I think you think I am

Let's look at self esteem vs a positive self concept in addressing the last post. Scripture teaches against self esteem. Matthew 16:24 Jesus says "If anyone desires to come after Me let him deny himself, and take up his cross, and follow Me." Jesus knew that people were already way too full of themselves and, in that condition, were unable to find room for Him. God is a jealous God. He expects first place in our lives. Further, not only Him but others, as well. Paul wrote in Phil 2:3 "Let nothing be done through selfish ambition or conceit, but in lowliness of mind let each esteem others better than ourselves."Josh Hamilton of the Texas Rangers (as well as some other famous people) have given media attention to the "I am second" campaign designed to get people to put God first in their lives. Unfortunately, putting oneself second is not biblical. We are to be third following God and others. A positive self concept is completely different and comes from confidence. Someone has said that confidence is remembered success. Therefore, the answer to the other question in the last post is - Cline/Fay say where parents err is they focus on kid's weaknesses. The result is a constant eroding of a child's self concept. But parents who build on their kid's strength's find their children growing in responsibility almost daily. What are the indicators that we, as parents, are making this mistake? To answer - what, if anything, is wrong with the following:
What are you doing that for?
If I've told you once, I've told you a thousand times.....
Now, honey, you're not going without your coat today, are you?
Shut up!
Stop arguing!
Turn off the TV!

Children's self-concept

Proverbs 20:11 says "Even a child is known by his deeds, Whether what he does is pure and right". Cline/Fay say that kids with a positive self-concept are more responsible and therefore do those things that are pure and right. "Unfortunately, many parents don't give their children a chance to build a positive self-concept....". What do you think the reason Cline/Fay give for this?
A) Parents are disappointed in their children
B) Parents have unrealistic expectations for their children
C) Parents focus on their children's weaknesses
D) Parents are self absorbed in their own issues

Also, what's the distinction (or is there one) between a positive self-concept and self-esteem? Is one good and the other bad; both good; both bad?

Marriage wrap up

When there is no option for dissolution, there is an incremental intensity toward resolution. No dissolution requires a) a commitment to be together and b) a commitment to develop and implement a working relationship. Resolution involves a) practicing the disciplines of Llove (which includes forgiveness, forgetfulness and forbearance) and b) development of oneness (God's design).

How wonderful it is that God gave us the ability to "link up" with someone who would complete us as a human being; and in the finality of finding that someone, it would always be the right one. No matter what our history, no matter how many our failures or how great our disappointments, God, who is always in the forgiveness business, takes us from where we are to where we need and want to be. The causative action on our part is obedience to the design.

One of the more important spiritual markers in the life of married believers is a marriage that works. No matter how faithful we may be to prayer and Bible study, no matter how dedicated we may be to working within the confines of the Body of Christ, if our marriages are not strong, resembling the unity between Christ and His Church, we have missed God's greatest blessing for our lives and our homes.

Be careful to learn the ways of God. Build His Truth and Llove into your life. As you do so, your relationships will reflect His overcoming victory. Your marriage from this point forward, will be better because you choose to implement Godly principles. Your marriage will successfully reach the perfection intended by the Creator because you are the object of His llove and you have chosen to follow His design. Blessings!

Positive vs Negative Attributes

Anger, Fear, and Insecurity are the three attributes that contribute most to the failure of marriage as the Father designed it. Understanding how to eliminate or channel these emotions is key for success.

Forgiveness, Forgetfulness, and Forbearance are the three attributes that contribute most to the success of marriage (they are a part of the discipline of Llove). Adding these ingredients in the exact proportion required and at the right time are keys for success.

Answer the following in narrative form:

1) What makes you angry?
2) Of what are you most afraid?
3) What makes you feel secure?
4) Who, specifically, has hurt you most in your life? How?
5) Will your marriage last, no matter what?
6) Do you have sufficient financial resources to survive a long job loss? Do you have/will have sufficient financial resources to survive your retirement?
7) Who does your spouse llove most? Why?
8) If you have children, do they llove and respect you? Do they have disciplined life styles?
9) What does it mean to forgive?
10) Do you remember everything because your mind is a steel trap?
11) Do you keep a record of wrongs? Where/how?
12) Has your spouse ever betrayed you (in any manner)?
13) Has your spouse ever taken things from you that were important to you?
14) Has your spouse ever hurt you by his/her relationship with another person?
15) Do you see your marriage as "unbreakable"?

A key thought:
The old saying is "Accentuate the positives and eliminate the negatives". Nothing could be more apropos for the couple building a marriage following the design of God. Look for the good qualities in all things, avoid that which is negative and/or harsh. You'll discover and amazing difference in those around you.

Reflections (couple time):
1) Are you angry?
2) When is the last time you recall forgiving your spouse?
3) What is your spouse's best attribute?
4) Do you remember what you last forgave? Why?